The National Conspirer

You just can't be too careful whom you trust for sensationalist information these days! 

"If they mean to have a rumor, let it begin here!" - Fred Herring

"Like nothing you've read before... or will ever read again, if we have our way!" - Noel Quarter, federal prosecutor

On this page:

• "Government Not Just Talking about the Weather"
• "Legendary Terrors Complain of Claim-jumping Terrorists"
• "Crop Circles Solved!"
• "'GARDENGATE' The Next White House Scandal?"
• "Vengeful White House Sues Reporter & Paper"
• Headlines from Past Issues of The National Conspirer
• "Fred Herring's Songs from the 2004 Election"

By Al Whet, Specious Correspondent for The National Conspirer

Houston, Texas, September 2005

Mark Twain once said,  "Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about  it."  Well, apparently, somebody IS doing something about it, and that something isn't good!

Those able fact checkers at The National Conspirer, who labor  day and night to ensure the veracity of every word we publish (when they're not walking into door frames or stumbling down the stairs from lack of sleep), have exposed a gigantic conspiracy hidden right in today's headlines.  They've discovered that THE GOVERNMENT IS CONTROLLING THE WEATHER!  The  two massive hurricanes Katrina and Rita, that have just slammed into the gulf coast, destroying life and property and causing untold suffering, are part of the conspiracy!

Here's the proof.  If you look carefully at the spelling of Katrina -- K - A - T - R - I - N - A -- you find all the letters in RITA, and if you take them out, you're left with K - N - A, which is the sound the National Weather Service public relations dude made when I presented this accusation at a recent press confe///////////STOP THE PRESSES!  Who let this wing nut into the office?  He's  going to give us all a bad name!  What do you mean, "We're live on the  net"?!

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By Fred Herring, Paranormal Investigator (as opposed to Investigator of the Paranormal)

New York City, January 2003

The original North American Axis of Evil, some of whose members predate colonial times, is growing tired of the attention lavished on today's so-called Axis of Evil.  Such legendary home-grown terrors as the Jersey Devil and Mothman are beginning to react to the fear of terrorism that seems to be taking hold in this country.

"What's a monster to dooooo?" wailed the Jersey Devil in a recent phone message to the author. Jay-Dee, as the Jersey Devil prefers to be called, complained that residents and visitors in his south-central New Jersey pine barrens habitat were becoming harder to scare following such events as the nearby devastating attack on the World Trade Center.  Apparently campers are sleeping through his most horrific screams and screeches and ignoring such traditional warning signs as dismembered pine cones and large, claw-like tracks appearing in murky bogs.  "It's hard to stay up all night constructing enigmatic evidence when no one seems to care or even take notice.  It's enough to drive you batty," the Jersey Devil went on to say in the rambling, heart-felt message that was cut short when the tape in my company-supplied, antiquated analog answering machine ran out.

Earlier in his message, Jay-Dee had noted that even Hollywood was cognizant of the situation, as indicated by the release of "Monsters, Inc.," a full-length animated feature film highlighting the problem monsters are having trying to scare today's younger generation.  "Of course, that's animation and fiction," Jay-Dee added although somewhat encouraged that the "liberal-dominated mass media" (his words) is turning its attention to the issue.  "Nevertheless, they still fail to report credible sightings of incredible creatures like myself, leaving that to the tabloids," he concluded somewhat despairingly.  He went on to say that his agent was seeking to arrange interviews with Rush Limbaugh and Larry King as a PR countermeasure, adding, "And there's George Noory on Coast to Coast AM, now that Art Bell has retired."

The Jersey Devil is supposed to have materialized in 1735 when a Mrs. Leeds or Shourds of Smithville, New Jersey, cursed the imminent birth of her thirteenth offspring, saying that she'd rather deliver a devil than another child.  Such an extreme statement might be better understood if we postulate that a couple of teenagers and a two-year old were already part of the household.

The Jersey Devil has been described by some misinformed sources as a large, prehistoric bird-like creature and not a devil at all, further diluting any possible terrifying impact of Jay-Dee sightings.  Even worse as far as public relations are concerned, he has recently been equated with "Bat Boy," an alleged mutant with bat-like features, reported in The Weekly World News and recently the subject of an off-Broadway musical.

Related incidents in western states could be further evidence that this country's supernatural creatures are disgruntled and may, in fact, be leaving for better pickings abroad:  A recent rash of Big Foot sightings in lower British Columbia, a hundred miles north of that creature's Washington state rain-forest home, has caught the attention of Canadian immigration officials. Should the cross-border sightings continue beyond the normal time limit for tourist visits, the possibility of illegal entry will be investigated.  Reports of mysterious, surgical cattle mutilations are now centered in Montana, much closer to the US-Canadian border than the traditional Utah-Colorado nexus of this bizarre phenomenon.

There is similar evidence that foreign-national terrors may also be limiting their appearances within the US:  Sightings of the infamous Mexican Chupacabra, or "Goat Sucker," north of our southern border have precipitously declined in number according to US government border agencies, while at the same time there has been a rapid increase in sightings throughout Central and South America, even as far south as Chile.  Similarly, Chupacabra sightings continue to increase in the Caribbean islands, despite long-standing Cuban government claims that such counter-revolutionary elements were ejected by Fidel Castro decades ago along with the former Batista government. 

Such reports may well demonstrate a reluctance of alien monsters to subject themselves to rejection by a preoccupied American public with only so much fear to go around.  The only bright spot for American interests may be Puerto Rico, where Chupacabra sightings have dramatically increased recently despite that island's ties to the US.  (For the record, the newly established US Department of Homeland Security has declined to comment officially to this investigator on the situation in Puerto Rico or elsewhere along the southern US border, citing a preoccupation with "organizational and other more pressing concerns.")

In another ironic twist, so-called "experts" on supernatural phenomena claim that appearances of creatures such as Mothman and the Jersey Devil are simply precursors to natural or man-made disasters like earthquakes or wars.  This was the sub-text of the recent movie "The Mothman Prophesies," which, although fiction, documented the real-life collapse of the Silver Bridge at Point Pleasant, West Virginia, leading Jay-Dee further to complain, "We can't even get credit for our own evil acts!  My friend Mothman was displeased by his portrayal in the movie. He would have preferred being acted by any of the Baldwin brothers, all 'terrible' actors in their own right."

[Note to scary creatures:  We have the same resource allocation problems here at The National Conspirer.  Please leave future messages on the Anti-terror Hotline with its state-of-the-art, high-capacity digital voice-mail system - Fred]

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aka "the Salisbury MIS-steak"

Special report for The National Conspirer, 

by Fred Herring, Paranormal Investigator (as opposed to Investigator of the Paranormal)

February 2001, in the shadow of Stonehenge, on the plain near Salisbury, England

I was walking through the paths of flattened wheat that had appeared overnight on this lonely plain near Salisbury, when I put my finger on it - or rather put my foot in it - a cow pie still steaming in the crisp morning air.  For me this was the final piece of evidence, albeit circumstantial and circumferential, for my theory on the origin of crop circles.  The freshness and placement of this meadow muffin - above, not covered by the flattened stalks of grain - were the convincing factors.   The numerous fresh field roses I found subsequently on that morning were similarly positioned:  All had been produced during or immediately after the creation of the patterns within which they lay, confirmation that CROP CIRCLES ARE MADE BY HERDS OF MAD COWS RUNNING AMUCK.

Looking back on it, the synchronicity of crop circles, mad cow disease, and other phenomena should have been obvious to everyone.  The mistake of earlier investigators had been to assume that crop circle phenomena were either man-made, a la some giant hoax or conspiracy, or produced by extra-terrestrials.  The possibility of bovine origin never occurred to them, despite the presence of cow pies at every known site.  They simply assumed that there were always cows among the crops,  perhaps stemming from exposure in early childhood to the old English  nursery rhyme, "Little Boy Blue." 

Another early mistake in the investigation of crop circles happened with the publication of the first aerial photograph of a crop circle (Figure 1).  This featured two great concentric circles that  subsequently gave the name "crop circles" to the phenomenon.  It seems that the original investigator, when flying over the formation for a better view, immediately recognized the circles as such and jumped to the conclusion that they were unnaturally occurring patterns, that is, not produced by natural causes.  Unfortunately, the aircraft in which he was riding was an old Curtis Jenny cropduster with a low-altitude ceiling.  Also, on that particular day, weather conditions were  poor - low clouds, drifting fog, and no direct sunlight - so his pilot was forced to fly lower than he might have otherwise.  Because of these factors, the investigator failed to notice or to photograph the full, much more extensive pattern.  When publishing his photo, he cropped out even the little bit of the surrounding pattern he had captured in order to highlight the concentric portion he had identified, because he thought the other was distracting and irrelevant.  

Ever since then investigators have continued to focus their attention and lenses almost exclusively on such circular patterns, as if radial symmetry were a precondition of crop circles.  Fortunately, with  the advent of the Freedom of Information Act, I was able to obtain overhead LANDSAT satellite images of that portion of England taken the same day during a break in the cloud cover.  

Backing off from the concentric portion, one is able to see not only the full pattern but can also decode the subtle message that has lain undetected all these years (Figure 2).  "Preposterous," you say?  I believe that once we are able to reconstruct the mother tongue of the Lemurian civilization, long since vanished, we will have the key to communicating with cows.  After all, Lemuria was in the land of Mu.  Meanwhile, maybe we should start by teaming up with the folks from Gateway Computers or Chik-Fil-A restaurants, both of whom seem to have a special affinity with our cattletonic friends from the pasture.  

Until and unless we are able to get a more definitive answer, I'm satisfied with the bothered-bovine solution to the crop circle conundrum.  And I suspect what's making cows so mad is the failure of the American Congress to seriously consider or set aside funds for investigating the cattle mutilation mysteries of Colorado, Utah, and now Montana, but that's a story for another time.

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Reporter Drew Falls' Conclusion after Uncovering Secret White House Portal

April 17, 2001, Washington, D.C., capital of the Free World

The National Conspirer  has broken the story this week on what may become the first major  scandal of the Bush administration, according to investigative reporter Drew Falls' conclusion.  Despite attempts to avoid his questions and his eventually being bodily removed, Falls was able to interview a White House "Key Official" who inadvertently confirmed a "Bush Connection."  There is even a hint of international intrigue as Drew managed to interview a supposed Congressional intern who looked very much like Princess Di, and who was subsequently granted easy access to the White  House grounds, shielded by "the Bush."  Important questions remain unanswered, perhaps forever, as Falls' notes were torn and a critical portion lost in his scuffle with two Marine guards who removed him from the area.

It started innocently enough when Falls, on assignment interviewing tourists at D.C.'s National Aquarium, decided to take a lunch-time walk toward the White House.  There, between the White House and the Treasury Building, Falls discovered an iron fence and a gate into the White House East Garden, with a sign listing the hours for public tours.  This  cleverly disguised portal was further camouflaged by a large number of alleged tourists, standing "patiently" in a long line.  Falls was not  fooled even for an instant.  Not since the Lincoln and Grant administrations had there been such blatant patronage seen at the Executive Mansion.  Falls, acting the part of the mild-mannered city desk reporter began to interview the "tourists."  A dark pattern quickly  emerged.

First, there was "Jill," a supposed school teacher from Sheboygan, who let slip that she was, in fact, a member of the National Education Association, no doubt there to subvert the conservative school voucher proposal.  Next, "Phil," a government contractor, and his "family."  Here, the ruse went so far as to enlist small children carefully chosen to resemble their "parents."  The next interviewee turned out to be "Will," a Texan, supposedly "visiting the White House for the first time."  What  more proof do we need of a conspiracy?  Three unlikely rhyming names - Jill, Phil, and Will - claimed by anything but innocent bystanders.

Nevertheless, the final sinister connection appeared immediately after, when Falls questioned Lil, a youthful Princess Di look-alike - a  connection with the British Monarchy? - who claimed to be a Congressional intern!  She tried to dodge his answers at first by acting as though she thought he was trying to "pick her up."  By the time she revealed her "occupation," she had moved in line up to the break in the iron fence, where she showed something to the guard and was immediately ushered into the garden and up the stairs into the East Wing.  Falls was unable to see what she had shown or perhaps handed to the man at the gate because of the "convenient" presence of a large Bush that shielded his view of what was in her hand, or for that matter in the hand of anyone else  granted access.  Rarely has any administration in any government been so blatant as to transact a cover-up of this magnitude in public view!

Falls hastily sketched the scene in his steno pad, wrote some pointed follow-up questions and their answers, and then tried to follow the "Princess" through the gate.  He was stopped immediately by the guard who demanded "a pass."  When questioned as to where one obtained such a pass, the guard told Falls that they were routinely handed out each morning on a first-come, first-served basis at the White House Visitors Center on Pennsylvania Avenue - a likely story if ever there was one.  Falls, pressing the guard for more information, asked him if he had a key to this gate.

"Of course I do, that's my job," replied the guard.  So, a White House Key Official was manning an allegedly minor post as tourist gatekeeper.  Falls tried one more time to enter, this time displaying his National Conspirer press pass, only to hear, "I don't care if you're from the Washington Post, sir.  You can't enter this gate without a valid visitor's pass."  Falls persisted and this time two large Marine guards emerged through the gate and took him by his elbows between them.  Falls' steno pad fell to the ground, and one of the guards reached down to retrieve it, apparently  managing in the process to deftly tear off the bottom of the page containing Falls' answers to some of his most revealing questions.  The guard may have secreted the half page on his person, or he may have left  it on the ground to be collected later by another G-man disguised as a grounds keeper.  It was all done so smoothly that Falls did not notice until later that the half-page was missing and perhaps along with it the key to this mystery.

Smoking Gun of the "Gardengate" Scandal?  The accompanying picture shows the torn page from National Conspirer  reporter Drew Falls' steno pad, where you can see Falls' probing questions above and the missing portion where his speculations were  recorded.

Repeated appeals by this newspaper to recover the missing half-page under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) have gone unanswered (Curses, FOIA-ed again!) but don't despair, dear reader.  The National Conspirer  won't rest until this scandal is exposed!  In the mean time or until the White House decides to "come clean," will we ever know what was on the missing paper? Chances are slim to none, as reporter Falls can't remember what he wrote down.  "Why would I need to take notes if I could  remember?" Falls told his editor.  But then, Falls can't even remember what he had for breakfast this morning.

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Investigative Reporter Persona Non Grata or Non Compos Mentis?

August 8, 2001, Washington, D.C., still the capital of the Free World?    

Attorneys for the White House and several co-plaintiffs, including a Congressional intern, a Wisconsin school teacher, and a Texan of unstated occupation, gave opening remarks today in a suit accusing an investigative reporter and his newspaper of libeling them in a series of articles earlier this year.  [We will leave the defendants unnamed to  protect their integrity in this obvious kangaroo court situation--ed.]   Noel Quarter, chief prosecutor, charged the reporter and his paper with "malicious rumor-mongering and gross misrepresentation of whatever few facts there might have been."

Opening statements by the prosecution and defense were all that transpired in the first day of the trial, as pre-trial delays kept those assembled in the federal courthouse waiting through most of the  morning.  Court officials later told the press that the problem stemmed from the failure of the reporter in question to appear.  When it was confirmed that he was "out of the country on an indefinite, secret assignment," the trial judge, Cortez N. Session, ruled that the reporter could be tried in absentia.  Following the two sets of opening remarks, Judge Sessions broadly hinted that a time-saving deal might be worked out should the reporter remain permanently on overseas assignment rather than proceed with what otherwise was beginning to look like a frivolous  defense.

Chief prosecutor Noel Quarter opened his case by enumerating the evidence the prosecution would detail during the trial, putting particular emphasis on the the alleged "smoking gun," key to the paper's charges of a White House scandal.  In a surprise move, Quarter revealed that federal agents had recovered this missing piece of evidence from outside the East Garden entrance of the White House where it was tangled in the branches of a large bush.  He went on to demonstrate how the prosecution would use this evidence to demolish any possible case the defense might try to build.

Following a brief adjournment, defense lawyer Heidi Truth began her opening remarks by reading from facsimiles of the Declaration of Independence and Constitution of the United States.  The judge interrupted her on several occasions, at first to correct misreadings such as "the purfuit of happiness" [apologies to Gene Shepard] but increasingly to suggest that she begin to come to some point.  Finally, when stopped halfway through Article II of the Constitution, attorney Truth protested that she was "just getting to the pertinent part," Article III with its description of judicial power, and that she would demonstrate the lack of authority of the court to rule in the matter on hand.  Judge Sessions called an end to the day's proceedings with pointed remarks to the defense followed by his decision for an overnight recess. Court will resume tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

By Fred Herring, Paranormal Investigator and Sometime Pundit

Even without my contributions, the U.S. presidential campaign and election of 2004 was rather bizarre.  So, there was no reason for me to  stay out of the fray.  Here, dear reader, are two campaign songs I  penned for the occasion.  The first followed the Iowa caucuses (caucii, cockeye?), early in the campaign when at least one party was still testing the mettle of its favorite sons by smashing them into each other.  The second was a plaintive - as opposed to plaintiff - call to all citizens to exercise their right to vote despite what they might think of either or both parties' presidential nominees.  A bonus, third song  follows, which was sent in by our reader in response to the first two.  All three songs are to the same tune, If I Only Had a Brain, from the Wizard of Oz.

1.  YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE VOTE
by Fred Herring, after the 2004 Iowa caucuses

To the tune of If I Only Had a Brain

Those Midwesterners have spoken,
Some candidates lie broken,
Their platforms didn't float;
They protest, "You mustn't mock us,

It was just a silly caucus!"
But they didn't get the vote

There's no photo, just a finish
For Gephardt and Kucinich
And all who missed the boat;
Let them rant about their ratings,
Call the news reporters Satan,
Still, they didn't get the vote

FIRST CHORUS:
Oh, I can tell you why
Iowa starts with "I",
That little word the candidates all cry
Much more than "do"
Much more than "die"

You can let your pollsters prattle,
Campaign among the cattle,
But, boy, you'd best take note:
If you want to see New Hampshire
Then you'd better rouse your camp, sir,
'Cause you've got to get the vote!

It's the ultimate showstopper,
Your campaign comes a cropper,
Your friends cease to promote
When you've held your biggest rally
But the exit polls and tallies
Show you didn't get the vote

Be not crude, but neither facile,
You'll just create a hassle,
And never, never gloat;
If the voters think you're wacko, they'll
Spit you out like tobacco
And you'll never get their vote!

SECOND CHORUS:
Oh, I can tell you why
Iowa starts with "I":
"I prophesy an infinite supply
Of chick in pot
Of pie in sky!"

So let all your pollsters prattle
And battle in the cattle
Footsore and sore of throat,
But I tell you, sir or madam,
Better hit the old macadam
If you really wanna, gotta gonna,
Kiss and shake hands with the fauna,
Really really really wanna
Get...  the... vote!

__________________________

2.  YOU'VE GOT TO CAST YOUR VOTE
by Fred Herring
After the 2004 convention dust settled
To the tune of If I Only Had a Brain

Sure, the coverage is smelly,
So power off the telly
And hide behind your moat;
Just don't claim that an infection
Kept you home from the election
If you didn't cast your vote

When the polls predict ‘pot boiler'
Each party fears a spoiler
Could overturn their boat;
Pitch an over-ripe tomater
At the zenith or the nadir
If that's how you want to vote

FIRST CHORUS:
Oh, I can't tell you why
Half the voters sit and sigh,
Wring their hands and murmur "Me, oh my,
What can I do?
Why even try?"

Fight that tendency for burnout,
Increase the local turnout,
Go grab your hat and coat;
Throw off every mental barrier,
Get up and get off your derriere,
Buck the trend and cast your vote!

Sure, there's something contradict'ry
When all sides claim a vict'ry
On every newsy note;
Though the truth be dim or hazy
You've no license to be lazy,
You must go and cast your vote! 

"In this critical election
Make no mid-course correction,
Switch horses not afloat!"
"It's the president whose scary
With his lack of vocab'lary;
If you care, I need your vote!"

SECOND CHORUS:
Oh, I can't tell you why
Half of you will sit and sigh,
"I'd flip a coin but might put out my eye,
What good's my vote?
Why should I try?"

Well, if that's the way you're feelin'
Don't dare complain or squeal when
Your sheep turns into goat;
Base your choice on fact or fiction
Or on family predilection...     (here we go)
Grab your kin or nearest neighbor,
Be they industry or labor
Or of any party flavor,
Drive them with a prod or saber,
Take a car, a bus, a taxi,
Make an effort to the maxi,
Don't be slothful, don't relax, we
Need each intellect and quack, be
The first one to take a whack
At the incumbent or the lack
Of opposition or attack ads
That you think are just derision;
Though the candidates lack vision,
You must still make a decision
For a good or silly reason;
Now's the time, the place, the season
To throw caution to the breeze and
Do your duty, please, and
Cast... your... vote!

__________________________

Our reader sent us the following song in reply, along with this note:
"You could just use my initials, to preserve what little credibility I have left among my peers."

3.  A VOTER'S DILEMMA
by JVH
To the tune of If I Only Had a Brain
With apologies to Fred Herring of oneandonehalfwits.com

I would vote come this November,
If I could just remember
Which guy has stood for what.
They both say "I'll do sweller
Than the opposition feller
If you'll just give me your vote."

"I'm a better type of person,
At least I am no worse than
The opposition bloke.
If you like my kind of advert
Your attention must not divert
From my goal to get your vote."

(Chorus 1)
Oh, I can't tell you why.
The swift-boat vets are in my eye:
The truth they say has gone awry
What should I do?
Lay down and cry?

Those who think that Bush is scary
Tell us all to vote for Kerry
But in this I am afloat:
Ralph Nader loves the greenery
And will improve the Nation's scenery
Should it be he that gets my vote?

When it comes to nine eleven
And Al Q'aida's quest for heaven
Who can build my castle moat?
I don't want my kiddies burnin'
Or wearing a new turban,
So then who should get my vote?

Once they said "Get out ‘da Bushes,"
They really meant to push us
Into thinking he's a stoat.
Now for those who love John Kerry,
Life would be a dingle-derry
If we just give him our vote.

(Chorus 2)
Oh, my, the reasons why
The public polls all make me cry:
They all predict the other guy
Will win the prize:
Why should I try?

So when November comes a strollin'
And I am in there pollin'
Will I make a point of note?
Or will balloting be futile
When campaigning is so purile
Should I even try to vote?

When my head's all filled with stuffin'
From the candidates all puffin'
And tryin' to rock my boat,

Then I guess that it don't matter
If I dither or I natter,
If I'm mum or if I chatter,
Walk uphill or use a ladder
Vote the party line or scatter,
Punch it through or hang my chad, or
Choose the first one or the latter
Make me madder than a Hatter
I'll just get out and vote!

[So, why didn't you vote in 2004? - Fred]

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